I think for the past couple of weeks I said I was being so blessed but a lot of the times, I was moreso going through the routine of being a Christian rather than questioning my actions and thoughts to God. Why am I doing this? Am I glorifying God by doing this or that? I became so used to going to morning prayer, gethsemane, and church that I just did them out of habit instead of doing them with a willing heart. I slacked off with QT and felt like my time with God was more of a burden than a blessing time. Daunted over my long list of prayer topics, I didn't even bother to tackle them.... or tried to do so with a half-willing heart. Over all, I became satisfied with my current life and didn't bother to continue to seek after God's face.
Even when I praised and worshipped God, I knew it wasn't my all, and I got easily distracted by the things around me. I fell asleep during gethsemane prayer time. I wasn't moved at all by the messages or praise. I became quickly tired of my environment and just felt overwhelmed by all the responsibilities I held.
Tired, dejected, and weak, I came before God once again and confessed just how I felt. I knew I couldn't handle everything, but that's what I realized I was doing. I was trying to use my own strength to do everything, starting from morning prayer to small group time. No wonder I felt like I was so unprepared for everything! I didn't build my own foundation on God first. I was focusing on all the things I had to do, and I have such a huge heart for my small group girls and freshmen that I just wanted to do everything for them and be the best. Well I can't be the best without God~ Not spending time with God also meant I wasn't spending enough time for myself. I became like such a Martha instead of being like a Mary.
Enjoy God, live for God, and then He will use you for His mighty purpose. How can God use you when you don't first build your foundation in Him?
I literally felt like I was going to fall onto my knees today during praise; that's how weak and tired I felt. He really just touched me so much during praise, to the point of tears. Sigh~ God is so wonderfully good. My heart becomes even greater as I trust in God, and it grows for the freshmen. I really really pray that they will come to delight and rejoice in the Lord, and that their identities may be found in Him. God is so good and faithful =)