Thursday, November 27, 2008

the perks of being a wallflower... not really

I'm going crazy over the thoughts in my head. It's like a whirl of negativity swirling and swirling and swirling around my head. I feel like I am falling deeper and deeper into this never-ending hole, sucked into the black hole where only sadness and depression and hurt linger. 

Why... why am I forced to live my life based on my emotions? Why do I let my emotions control ME? I'm so aware--too aware--- of people's reactions toward me. I crave to feel wanted. I am needy.I need to feel wanted at every moment. If I don't, I crash. I feel like no one cares. 

But that's a total lie. I know it in my head, but how does Satan know exactly how to deceive me.... to think otherwise? People do care about me. I just push people away. 

I'm full of faults. I see so many of them. They're almost ALL I see, and I get discouraged. Always comparing, always seeing what I lack. Always searching for something better and not being grateful for the things that I have. 

And you know what's sad? I know GOD is my father, the Father. I know He is a God who will never stop doing good to me and who will daily bear my burdens. I know He loves me so so much and will probably be the only one who can full satisfy and meet all my needs. Still... still... as of now, I am a hopeless case. 

How did I get to be so melancholy? 


ooyeoj said...

as my blog entry from the 16th says, satan is a big fat liar. liar liar, pants on fire.

chin up, hyemyung.

ooyeoj said...

(btw i changed my page name to, so the old link to joesjibberjabber doesnt work, just a heads up)